Saturday, September 19, 2009

"Clowns to the left of me, Jokers to the right"

Yesterday, the Society of Notheists at Purdue University held a Pastafarian Preaching Day in honor of Talk Like a Pirate Day. The purpose of having such a day is to illustrate how stupid it sounds when you encounter people like that of ANY religion and how we must always consider the validity of the beliefs being espoused by even the most sane and attractive crew of scurvy buccaneers you may come across.

It just so happened, as we were planning on having our preaching day, we discovered two very important facts:

1. Talk Like a Pirate Day was on a Saturday this year...which was an incredible bummer.
2. Gene Levy Brother Jed was making his annual visit to Purdue the day before.

In the effort to make the day as awesome as possible, we decided that our Pastafarian Preaching needed to occur in tandem with the visit by our equally furry-eyebrowed, twice as hilarious arch villian.

The days passed and Jen decided that this day must be documented with the latest in high tech devicery...a video camera. She managed to rent one from our school library and then discovered, to her chagrin, there were no storage media included with said camera. Unfettered and still heartened from the amazingness of the day, it was decided that, as we were to be on our way to campus that morning, we would stop and purchase an SD card to store the videos on so we could be in our appointed spots at 8:50 with plenty of time to set up.

And so we sallied forth that glorious Friday morning dressed in full pirate regalia (or in my case, a bandanna, eyepatch, and jeans), we crossed campus facing the jeers and chortles of our passing fellow students and made our way to the local campus bookstore to find out that the place didn't open until 9.

After we set down, we were able to have a brave soul run back and acquire our sorely needed storage medium. One of the hallmarks, every year, of this event, as I see it, is when we pull out the Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti monster and preach from it. It is superbly well written and infinitely hilarious. Last year, when I did it, by the end, I was surrounded by people in bathing suits bowing down to me. It was absolutely glorious.

During a passing period, it was insisted that I repeat my performance this year...where it would be recorded for posterity. I pulled out my best preacher's voice and laid it on thick. A beautiful piece of work for everyone who walked past.

Afterward, I went to go get a drink of water and came back to a puzzled-looking Jen fiddling with the camera.

"Do you think it might be possible for you to do it again later? I don't think it recorded."

My heart sank. I had class all day and I was only really supposed to be around until 10:45 so I could properly prepare for the math class I teach at 11:30.

In between classes, I learned that a news van had stopped by, Brother Jed had finally showed up, and I was missing all of it. On the other hand, I taught about quadratics and completing the square, so not all was lost.

Luckily I had an hour between my last two classes and I was able to stop by, listen to Brother Jed make a fool of himself, and ride the Boilermaker Special.

The highlight for me, amazingly enough, occurred in this small span of time between classes. We had just exited the Boilermaker Special and moved back to watch Brother Jed and his fantastic pimp cane.

When suddenly, we noticed two men clad in spiffy shirt and tie ensembles.

YES. The Mormons had come to campus the same day...and they disliked this detestable man as much as we did. Finding common ground and coming to some sort of unholy temporary truce, we took on Brother Jed together!

Far be it for me to ever say anything nice about the Mormons as a whole, but the two guys we were with that day were incredibly nice, down to Earth people.

All in all, a very good Talk Like a Pirate Day.

Also, Re: Desperado
Salma Hayak causes traffic accidents. RAmen.

PS: Check out Politics and Pucks for even MORE blogging on this event!

Monday, September 14, 2009

Winner for most epic moment:

Just when I thought things like me getting an A on Afronova on Standard and passing a song on Challenge for DDR or actually surviving a ropes course was a feat of athletic genius, here comes Roger Federer to explain to me why I need to spend a few more years at the gym:

While we're on the subject

Because I don't want to add any more to that previous post, let me just say:

WTF, Kanye West. WTF. Nobody cares what you have to say.

Not enough to see that cretinous display, anyway.

Please go back to your mansion, put on your shutter shades, and spend some time alone with that one special person who you love more than anybody else. YOU.

And don't come out until you've grown a set of tact. KTHXBAI.

ETA: Fixed link. Viacom took down the video I linked to. =P

Sunday, September 13, 2009

Mark needs exercise + Serena Williams

So today I found out a few very important things:

1. Being upwards of 40 feet up in the air and only supported by a small piece of rope connected to a harness designed to prevent me from having children and a plastic hat is, indeed, as scary as it sounds...especially when heights are not your strong suit.

2. Serena Williams was fined and lost a match for cussing out a line judge.

3. When I am on a zip-line, I scream like a girl.

Let's start with thing one, shall we?

Awesome thing:
Today, my fraternity took a trip to the High Ropes Course for some team building exercises.

Not so awesome thing:
The place was incredibly aptly named. That is, it was VERY HIGH and consisted of an inordinate number of ropes.

That being said, I had never done anything like this before...and being the young, gung-ho go-getter that you all know me to be, I jumped on this like a fat girl on cake.

That's all well and great, but there are two things about me that make this activity incredibly non-conducive to my way of life:

I become incredibly uncomfortable in situations where many people are in close quarters and in high-stress situations. I also am incredibly afraid of heights. Not just afraid of heights. We're talking "I sometimes feel uncomfortable sitting on my third story balcony" afraid of heights.

Needless to say, being at something like fifty feet in the air standing on metal wires and rope is not my cup of tea.

And yet, for truth, justice, the American way, and mostly trying to not be called a wimp, I went. I bit the bullet and I went for it. It was horrific, to be sure...but I got through it and I feel so awesome about myself!

Will I ever do it again?

Not any time soon, thanks very much.

Secondly, let's talk about Serena Williams.

Holy crap. I've say it before, and I'll say it again...Don't piss off people who have authority over you unless you are willing to pay the consequences.

Okay. I know it was a bad call. It's unconscionable, however, to act like that on the court. While she probably deserves what is coming to her, they should probably at least think about taking into account previous good behavior.

Friday, September 11, 2009


So, I figure I might as well start off with something that should haunt EVERYBODY'S dreams. Thanks to a friend of mine for bestowing this image upon me. *shiver.*

Apparently, it seems, Tantus, a company who makes sex toys has decided to take on that new fangled Twilight fad that's going around.

Behold, The Vamp.

Yes. It sparkles.

Also, I shit you not, the following words appear in this order on their site:
(emphasis mine)
"Yes the The Vamp retains hot and cold temperature. Toss it in the fridge for that authentic experience."

Authentic experience?? You know what, I'm not even going to think about it.

Here. Have some people talking about it who aren't me.

Friday, September 4, 2009


Well well well, look who has come crawling back! That would be me, by the way.

So school has begun, and I think I will start having time to do a daily blogging thing again soon. Probably sometime this weekend I will begin again and try to fit it into some sort of daily regimen. I've been trying to be big on that what with almost being out of college. I work very well if I have a nice routine.

So, here's a shout out to whoever reads this to say that I haven't died just yet.

I will return and in full force.

Thanks again to all of you...especially those of you who actually contacted me to tell me that you miss me. =P

I appreciate it.