Can anybody tell me what the point of this is?

So I'm watching TV and not fast forwarding through the commercials and I come upon this:

The Lysol No Touch Hand Soap System

At first I think, "Hmm...This is cool, I guess..." Because it's like 11:30 and I'm apparently delirious.

Luckily, I come to my senses and realize

THIS PRODUCT IS COMPLETELY USELESS.

Let's begin by dissecting the claims made by Lysol, shall we?

Introducing, a revolutionary new way to help stop the spread of bacteria.

So, what is this revolutionary advance bringing Lysol to the washing your hands technological forefront???

A sensor automated soap pump. Oh snap.

Which would be great except I've seen stuff like this at gas station bathrooms...and I'm pretty sure those are the places last on the list to ever get technology to make things cleaner.

It isn't even the fact that they're touting this product as freaking God's Gift to Cleanliness...It's that they say shit like this (emphasis theirs):

Hands may come into contact with millions of germs every day. Hand washing is one of the most important steps to help stay healthy. But have you ever thought about those germs ending up on your soap pump?

Fact: Your soap pump can harbor a lot of bacteria.

Introducing the LYSOL^® No-Touch Hand Soap System, it automatically senses your hands and dispenses just the right amount of soap that kills 99.9% of bacteria.

For use in the kitchen or bathroom, the antibacterial hand soap is enriched with moisturizing ingredients and comes in three great scents!

Never touch a germy soap pump again.

Hooooly crap.

So...the big advance comes from not getting germs on your hands after touching the soap pump?

Aren't you...washing your hands right after...anyway? I mean...nobody is just touching the top of the soap pump for shits and giggles and then running away, right? Well, somebody is, I'm sure, because that has to be the only way that this could possibly help.

I mean, perhaps I'm alone here, but I find this to be a gigantic waste of money.

I find it absolutely insulting to my intelligence that Lysol would put out a product like this.

Aaron McGruder vs. World

http://bit.ly/9ZbMyl

Perhaps Aaron McGruder isn't subtle or tactful, but he's always hilarious and USUALLY right.

The Boondocks has been one of my favorite comics (second only to Calvin and Hobbes) ever since it entered the papers. My biggest lament about the comics section is that Aaron McGruder's masterpiece stopped showing up on a daily basis.

When he started work on the TV series, I think I've never been so overjoyed.

Perhaps the best thing about his move to television is that, since he joined Adult Swim, he was able to say a lot of things that he certainly was unable to say in comic form...mostly because he didn't have to worry as much about parents complaining about what their kids were seeing in their newspapers (or so I assume.)

In the transition from print to television, a lot changed about his characters. While Huey, Riley, et. al. were just as witty, they became far more acerbic. The characters, now far more pronounced in expounding upon their (McGruder's) beliefs, refuse to mince words when discussing BET, hos, "soul food," R Kelly, etc...

I loved every second of it.

I loved watching this new no holds barred, no prisoners, no mercy, no bullshit Boondocks.

Aaron McGruder managed to take social commentary and turn it on its head. He twists and demeans characters, pushing everyone down to the lowest common denominator to prove his point and makes an asshole out of everybody who stands in his way.

In this most recent series, there has been a lot of controversy about a particular episode: the Tyler Perry episode, "Pause."

First of all, BAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

If you haven't seen it, you absolutely NEED to. Within two minutes of each other, there are Rocky Horror Picture Show, Peanuts, and Jim Jones references.

But, to be honest, McGruder is really REALLY hard on Tyler Perry, and whether or not it is entirely deserved, it is hilarious and generally on target.

Tyler Perry IS incredibly preachy. I've seen a number of his plays and I spend more time hitting the fast forward button through his jeebus songs than I do watching and laughing...which is saying something, because Perry is generally funny. But I'm hurt to see his response to this episode. It's one thing to express disapproval or even to say, "This was hurtful to me," but Perry has all but ensured that this episode will never be aired again by threatening to leave TBS in retaliation.

But, when watching these episodes, we do have to wonder about Aaron McGruder. He obviously has an axe to grind. He takes (hilarious, glorious) pot shots at famous people (although, just as often he'll make fun of everybody on either side of the issue) from behind his animated characters--which is his prerogative, and I'm certainly not going to tell him to change. I happen to generally approve of his message:

Show the grotesque and messed up people of the world how grotesque and messed up they really are. Allow the normally overlooked but potentially dangerous and destructive actions and traits that are common place in this society to run themselves to the worst possible conclusion and then explode in chaos, reduce peoples' arguments, EVERYBODY'S...even the ones you agree with to the absurd and learn to understand the possible repercussions of the shit we see everywhere but rarely think about.

Tyler Perry's butthurt about this episode, is no more well founded than those of the Islamic extremists who refuse to allow Mohammad to be drawn. Freedom of speech is what this country was built on, and it's what allows Tyler Perry to get up on stage dressed like a woman just as much as it is what allows Aaron McGruder to make fun of himself for it.

You can't have it both ways, Perry. Remember that.

Chuck Norris has begun to annoy me.

When confronted with news, really any news, about The Boy Scouts, I usually shrug, smile, nod, and then not care.

But CN + BSA? That's just a recipe for awesomesauce.

So Chuck Norris has been blathering on about how beset with woe the Boy Scouts are by Obama.

Over the past months, a widely circulated e-mail has reported that President Obama is not signing Eagle Scout certificates, which only 4 to 5 percent of Boy Scouts attain.

...which is horrible! I'd better check Snopes and TruthorFiction to make sure that this is real!

Wait...What's that Chuck Norris? You've done our work for us and researched yourself?!

Categorically, Internet watchdog sites like Snopes.com and TruthOrFiction.com have classified the claims as "hogwash." But I have found a steady stream of White House whitewashing when it comes to the Boy Scouts of America.

That's good old Chuckie for ya! Just like in Walker Texas Ranger, he roundhouse kicked in to find the TROOF! And with that journalism degree he has, I'm sure he's...oh wait...

Now, the quote that gave me a lot of jollies on part one (Yes. Part one of three. Sit back folks.) was this quote right here:

Since President William Howard Taft in 1910, U.S. presidents have proudly fulfilled the position of honorary president of the BSA. But neither the honor nor event was highlighted in any official White House communication. Nothing said at the March 3 White House briefing. Nothing noted anywhere on the White House official website. Obama simply accepted the honorary presidential position behind closed doors in the Oval Office with seven or so Boy Scouts present.

On the other hand, on that single day of March 3, 2009, the White House considered all the rest of the following events as newsworthy enough to post on its official website: "President Obama announces more key appointments," "President Obama and Vice President Biden announce investment in transportation infrastructure and jobs for Americans," "Message to Congress from president regarding export certification," "Remarks by the president and vice president on transportation infrastructure," "Vice President Biden to travel to Brussels to consult with NATO allies," "Highway spending from Recovery Act to create or save 150,000 jobs by end of 2010," "Remarks by President Obama on AFL-CIO executive council," "The first lady speaks to American servicewomen" and the "Remarks of the president to commemorate the 160th anniversary of the Department of Interior."
Yet, not a peep mentioned about the president's acceptance of BSA's honorary presidency.

Could it be the 160th anniversary of the Department of Interior ranked of higher importance than Obama's acceptance of the BSA's position in its 100th year of celebration?

The man says things and doesn't actually think about the words coming out of his mouth.

Which is more vital to the operations and well being of the country? The Boy Scouts or the Department of the Interior?

Okay, whatever. That's fine...and then he manages to out do himself by saying this:

I suppose it's also coincidental that Obama was unable to attend the 100th Anniversary Gala of the Boy Scouts of America in his own backyard (Washington, D.C.) on Feb. 9, 2010. Why? Because that evening he had his first national press conference! Is it just me, or would you have delayed the press conference to any other evening in February to attend this unique centennial celebration of one of the oldest and most influential boys' organizations in U.S. history? How about at least a quick shout-out at the press conference? No such luck.

BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA...




Oh wait...he's...SERIOUS?! I mean...let's assume for a moment (only a moment mind you...my brain is already about to explode) that the Boy Scouts were of such national importance that they needed to be placed above the Department of the Interior. Would it, even then, follow that the President should be delaying this press conference just for them?

Also, I'm sure he totally could have said, "Now before I go, I wanna give a shout out to my homies in the BSA. We just dropped us a cent and now it's time to hit the dime. WURD!"

A "shout out?" REAAAALLY Chuck?

Aha, but all is not lost:

The president did, however, send a semi-congratulatory letter to the BSA on its centennial, though at the same time subtly distancing himself from being a celebratory participant: "I send greetings to all those celebrating the 100th anniversary of the Boy Scouts of America. … I wish you all the best." Seems like a rather flat centennial note for the prospective honorary president of the BSA, wouldn't you say?

I'm sure the flowers and the stripper-gram got lost in the mail.

But then, can you blame Obama when, as Chuck Norris so artfully says himself:

...a series of lawsuits have been levied against the BSA because of its stand against atheists, agnostics and homosexuals.

And, perhaps, they have the right to have these sort of hilariously terrible practices. The worst thing that we as undesirable persons can do is ignore them and not pay for their atrocious fucking popcorn.

And then, of course, there's the whole thing about the BSA in Philly.

Norris talks of those poor souls like they're being evicted from their homes. When, in fact, since they're violating the city's nondiscrimination policy (you know, so they can be a program that receives government money, they have to follow...uh...rules.) they can't be housed (rent free) in a government building.

Boo Hoo...

You think you'd be sobbing so hard about this if it were some OTHER group that was being forced to pay like everyone else?

Of course, he makes a gay reference in this quote:

President Obama became the honorary president of the BSA in March of 2009, and the White House didn't even mention it. And ever since, any discussion or interactions with the BSA have been "don't ask, don't tell." And how could they, since the president would then have to publicly acknowledge that, as honorary president of BSA, he affirmed the Scout Oath, belief and policies, which prohibit atheists and agnostics from membership, and "avowed" homosexuals from leadership roles?

Of course! Because, as the "Honorary President of the BSA" he has actual power within the BSA. It's like being the Commander in Chief of the Armed Forces. Gotta have someone who isn't a lifer in charge. So as Commander in Chief of the BSA, Obama should have purged the world of Atheists and Homosexuals by now! Because...you know, like it says in the Boy Scout Oath...

On my honor, I will do my best to keep myself morally straight.

On my honor, I will do my best to do my duty to God and my country;

On my honor, I will do my best to obey the Scout Law…;

On my honor, I will do my best to help other people at other times.

On my honor, I will do my best to keep myself mentally awake.

On my honor, I will do my best to prevent godless heathens and gays from being in the BSA.

Oh wait, what? That last one isn't actually in there? I just made it up? Well shit! Where in the Boy Scout Oath does it say that?

Oh the first one. Because all people who are straight or believe in god are moral.

Right.

"Clowns to the left of me, Jokers to the right"

Yesterday, the Society of Notheists at Purdue University held a Pastafarian Preaching Day in honor of Talk Like a Pirate Day. The purpose of having such a day is to illustrate how stupid it sounds when you encounter people like that of ANY religion and how we must always consider the validity of the beliefs being espoused by even the most sane and attractive crew of scurvy buccaneers you may come across.

It just so happened, as we were planning on having our preaching day, we discovered two very important facts:

1. Talk Like a Pirate Day was on a Saturday this year...which was an incredible bummer.
2. Gene Levy Brother Jed was making his annual visit to Purdue the day before.

In the effort to make the day as awesome as possible, we decided that our Pastafarian Preaching needed to occur in tandem with the visit by our equally furry-eyebrowed, twice as hilarious arch villian.

The days passed and Jen decided that this day must be documented with the latest in high tech devicery...a video camera. She managed to rent one from our school library and then discovered, to her chagrin, there were no storage media included with said camera. Unfettered and still heartened from the amazingness of the day, it was decided that, as we were to be on our way to campus that morning, we would stop and purchase an SD card to store the videos on so we could be in our appointed spots at 8:50 with plenty of time to set up.

And so we sallied forth that glorious Friday morning dressed in full pirate regalia (or in my case, a bandanna, eyepatch, and jeans), we crossed campus facing the jeers and chortles of our passing fellow students and made our way to the local campus bookstore to find out that the place didn't open until 9.

After we set down, we were able to have a brave soul run back and acquire our sorely needed storage medium. One of the hallmarks, every year, of this event, as I see it, is when we pull out the Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti monster and preach from it. It is superbly well written and infinitely hilarious. Last year, when I did it, by the end, I was surrounded by people in bathing suits bowing down to me. It was absolutely glorious.

During a passing period, it was insisted that I repeat my performance this year...where it would be recorded for posterity. I pulled out my best preacher's voice and laid it on thick. A beautiful piece of work for everyone who walked past.

Afterward, I went to go get a drink of water and came back to a puzzled-looking Jen fiddling with the camera.

"Do you think it might be possible for you to do it again later? I don't think it recorded."

My heart sank. I had class all day and I was only really supposed to be around until 10:45 so I could properly prepare for the math class I teach at 11:30.

In between classes, I learned that a news van had stopped by, Brother Jed had finally showed up, and I was missing all of it. On the other hand, I taught about quadratics and completing the square, so not all was lost.

Luckily I had an hour between my last two classes and I was able to stop by, listen to Brother Jed make a fool of himself, and ride the Boilermaker Special.

The highlight for me, amazingly enough, occurred in this small span of time between classes. We had just exited the Boilermaker Special and moved back to watch Brother Jed and his fantastic pimp cane.

When suddenly, we noticed two men clad in spiffy shirt and tie ensembles.

YES. The Mormons had come to campus the same day...and they disliked this detestable man as much as we did. Finding common ground and coming to some sort of unholy temporary truce, we took on Brother Jed together!

Far be it for me to ever say anything nice about the Mormons as a whole, but the two guys we were with that day were incredibly nice, down to Earth people.

All in all, a very good Talk Like a Pirate Day.

Also, Re: Desperado
Salma Hayak causes traffic accidents. RAmen.

PS: Check out Politics and Pucks for even MORE blogging on this event!

Soundtrack of my nightmares redux and life update

I haven't had much time to post recently. I apologize for this grievous breach of the blogger-bloggee social contract.

Here's why!

I went home this weekend! The always arduous trip home via Satan's Waiting Room I-65 was actually not anywhere near as bad. Only one traffic jam caused by gawkers at an accident.

Today was, surprisingly, very busy.

I got a hair cut in fact, I got them all cut. ha ha ha ha. I'm only sad that this now makes the avatar I've put up everywhere (thanks Jen) somewhat obsolete. Bah. Oh well.

I figured, I'd might as well get my hair nice and groomed considering the fact that I will be starting teaching in 7.5 days. It might, at least slightly, lend some sort of credence and ethos to my lectures.

Most importantly, I saw a one woman show written and performed by Alison Vodnoy, a friend of mine I haven't seen in years. We were in diapers together and now she's a big star! Hooray! If you happen to be in Hammond, Indiana tomorrow sometime around 2 PM, please consider going to see it at the Towle Community Theatre. It's great, she's AWESOME, and it's TOTALLY worth paying the 15 bucks to go see it.

Tomorrow is a wedding...and then Monday is a dentist appointment (ick) and then back to campus to laugh at all the marching band people as they stand outside sweating for hours on end. =D

To make up for my absence, here is some mindfuckery. Enjoy.

ETA: Mindfuckery doesn't get red-lined as a misspelled word. That's hilarious.

Walking tour of the Creation Museum Part II: The Quickening

I apologize for the various and terrible quality of the pictures you are about to see. Enjoy!


This picture is likely highly indicative of the rest of the museum. Let's see what happens, shall we?


Those sharp claws on his feet are for slicing lettuce. There is a salad spinner behind the sign.


Mel Brooks decided to make a special guest appearance. He was displaying the fifteen ten commandments.


Maybe there IS hope for this museum after all! *shifty eyes*


"Om nom nom nom nom"


This lamb looks like he's scared of being raped.


"Really? Vegetables?"


Did I mention that these wax dummies look way too eerily realistic? If they spent as much time actually providing substance to their exhibits as they did trying to make eerie, lifelike dummies, they'd give the Smithsonian a run for its money.


There was not enough room to finish the sentence. It should have read, "The world's not safe anymore for people with IQs above 10 with museums like this still being funded!"



Here we see two people particularly angered by the paparazzi. Apparently they weren't willing to sign the release and their pictures were used anyway!


After killing his brother, Abel, Cain has to sneeze like a motherfucker. Abel's first invention, pepper spray, doesn't work anywhere near as well as he'd have liked.


Completely undecided as to what this was telling us not to touch, we hands-on Atheists decided to begin investigating. It turned out that nobody cared...except maybe the one guy. You'll see him.


Discovered by one of the members of the party with which I was touring the Museum, we come to the real heart of the issue. There is nothing on Earth besides the United States and, perhaps, part of Canada and Mexico. It is a stunningly accurate commentary on the educational system of many religious areas of Kentucky.


The museum was kind enough to embolden some of the more important words of this quote from one of the books of Peter. I think we could do without all the rest of the empty text. "Willingly ignorant word of god" seems to be good enough for me.



Here we have what I can only imagine is Hebrew...sort of.
It's time for a quick Hebrew lesson.

*HEBREW LESSON TIME!*

Let's begin, if you will humor me, from the right side. Hebrew is written right to left. Let us begin with the awkward blob of letter that looks like a K who has seen better days. THIS IS NOT A HEBREW LETTER. Awesome. If it is supposed to be a tsadi or an aleph, it is a tsadi or aleph made exclusively of fail.

Next, we come to the letter Resh. The only problem with this letter is that it has been flipped 180 degrees.

Thirdly, we hit the Hebrew letter Vov which is both correctly oriented and in the proper proportion. Let's move on. Nothing to see here.

Fourthly, we have what is called "Fey." Besides the fact that the letter is the mirror image of how it was supposed to be, it is fine...except for one thing:

This is Fey in it's so called "Final" form. This letter, if it is to be in the sentence AT ALL, should be switched with the letter farthest on the left...which is funny because that letter is a Fey also! It is also flipped over itself.

So, creation museum...whatever you were going for here...it didn't quite work.

EDIT: Jen got the video of me explaining this at the creation museum. I am aware I pointed the wrong way when I mention the end of the word...It had been a long day. Spare me please. =P

Walking tour of the Creation Museum Part I

As you all know, today was the infamous visit to the Creation Museum. I'm going to try to, as best I can, give you a small sampling of the many wondrous exhibits that were to be found.

Let us begin with the main foyer.


Here we can see what I can only assume is a brief reenactment of that ever-so-famous scene from The Dark Crystal. Here we can see a young Gelfling child who is trying to hide, with little success, from two Skeksis. Or maybe not...I honestly can't tell.
Remember, people, Skeksis are armed and considered dangerous. Do not pet the Skeksis.





Following the Jim Henson memorial, we find God's ode to linguistics. I always knew he loved alliteration. This just proves it.Following the English department, we move into geology. It seems that there are two uh...*conflicting* theories on how fossil layers were formed. Of course, we know that God's Word must be correct. I mean, seriously now, look at how much more efficient God is than those silly processes. Who can argue with those numbers!? WHO, I TELL YOU?!?!

I'll continue this later.

I loled

Jen sent me a comic today and I laughed really hard. The strip comes from a blog called Coelacanth Diaries written by the talented Stephen Collins.

Enjoy!

None

In reference to my previous post:

Jen, you are a scoundrel. Fie on thee.

Love,
My Dreams

I love Conan.

Here's why:



This is outrageous! I have a wallet!

Ukulele Orchestra - The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

As a musician, I am always happy to find awesome performances on crazy instruments.

I was so excited to find this fantastic video. I hope each of you enjoy it as much as I do.

ARGH!

The noise this turtle makes will be the soundtrack of my nightmares for at least the next three days.

This is probably NSFW...because it's a turtle raping a shoe.

A blog by any other name

Hello, world! It is I, your humble blogger Mark. For those of you who have been redirected here from Blag Hag (where I got my start for Blogathon), thanks for stopping by.

I had a difficult time naming this blog. Much to my distress, I don't have anything in particular that I know enough about such that I could simply name it "Math Nerd Blog" or "Music Geek Blog"

Sad really.

So I asked my dear friend, The Blag Hag, for some help. Needless to say, she wasn't...but it made for some terrible hilarious conversation!

Jen: Make a pun out of Webster's Dictionary

Jen: =P

Me: XP

Jen: if you were just writing stories Webster's Fictionary would be good lol

Me: lol

Jen: if it was about sex Webster's Licktionary

Jen: movies, Webster's Flicktionary XD

Jen: lol

Jen: sorry, bad puns are what I do, I mean, I AM writing at "Blag Hag"

Me: true.

Jen: Webster's Schticktionary

Jen: XD

Jen: that looks awful

Me: If it were porn, Webster's Dicktionary.

Jen: If it was dating advice, Webster's Slicktionary

Jen: If it was racist, Webster's Spictionary

Me: If it were a medical site, Webster's Sicktionary

Jen: If it was stupid, Webster's Thicktionary

Me: If it were a genetics blog, Webster's Cricktionary

Jen: lol

Jen: If it was about practical jokes, Webster's Tricktionary

Me: If it were an entomology website, Webster's Ticktionary.

Yes. That conversation happened. I fear for the future of the world.

ETA:

Apparently, in order to understand why this is funny, you should know my last name is Webster. Go figure.